Facing fears, moving on, and putting myself out there

I have had a pretty busy 4 weeks. And it has been a month with all kinds of ups and downs. Who doesn’t have roller coaster months? Everyone has a hard time every now and then. My month of craziness ended yesterday with my return from Chicago, so this should segue nicely into a little Chicago Marathon recap.

And though I have had a fun and exciting month, it did not come without it’s hardships. I had been living in a sort of bubble for a long time. Running, working, riding my horse. That’s about it. I have my friends and we do things sometimes and everything seemed ok. But sometimes things change. And change can be hard.

Big change began when I started to look for a new apartment. I recently moved as a result of a break-up and it was something I struggled to talk about. I have talked on my blog about my boyfriend in the past and it may or may not have occurred to the few readers that I have, that I haven’t been talking about him as of late. When a break up happens, how do you let the people around you, who have known you as a couple for so long, know that you are just a single now? No more double? Its a tough trail to blaze.

On top of feeling sad, angry, and confused, I was overwhelmed and anxious. I didn’t understand why what was happening was happening to me. What had I done wrong? And how much was this going to suck? I mean, I had nothing when leaving the home I had lived in for two years. I didn’t have a couch, a dining room table, or main furniture pieces. I felt I was literally starting over, and it was pretty painful.

Every time I drove back to Berea before I moved I thought to myself, “I will never eat on the Triangle again… I will never run in this metro park.” It was really hard to separate all the things I was going to lose with what was lost as couple. Needless to say the confusion and frustration perpetuated.

Suddenly, I started to feel bad about myself. I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about it. I didn’t want to be the one who just blurted out the news. I have been just sitting on those feelings and not really sharing them. That can really eat away at a person.

And then I remembered this photo I had seen on another blog a long time ago, and I finally embraced it. Because I am. I am going to be ok.

Think about it, I have really put myself out there in so many ways, especially recently. I went to the FitBloggin’ conference by myself. I introduced myself to people and made friends on my own. I learned 100 different things to improve myself and what I love. It was so worth it, and even at 30 years old, I feel like I grew.

I ran a serious half marathon PR during all the stress and anxiety. I wanted to run my heart out at the Akron Half Marathon and I did it. I PR’d by a huge 5 minutes, and though I didn’t get my half marathon time goal for the year, I still feel good about what I have done. And I know I will get it eventually.

I went to Chicago and ran my 3rd marathon. I have run 3 marathons in 2 years and I had never run a step in my life prior to 2010. And not only did I run a marathon in Chicago, I did as Chicago-ans did.

I rode the L train. BY MYSELF. I got myself to and from the airport. I hailed cabs. I braved airports (one of my biggest fears) twice in 2 weeks. That is amazing for me. I have a fear of not knowing what I am doing, feeling overwhelmed by it, and making mistakes. And being on my own again forced me to take care of myself because no one else will. It was liberating.

So, have I had a fun month? Yes. Was it a really hard month? An even bigger yes. But will I move into this next month with new goals and ambitions? You betcha. Sometimes that’s just life.

So what’s coming down the pipe line for this girl?

Well, I just ran marathon #3 (recap coming really soon) and am slated to run marathon #4 in only 3 weeks. I was actually thinking to myself as I hit mile 23 on the Chicago marathon that there was no way in HELL I was going to run Run with Scissors in 3 weeks, but maybe I will.

I’ve got someone helping me with my blog and we are gonna go self hosted! I am ready to get my things in order and really define what my blog has become. And I am excited about it.

I have been very inspired by reading the posts and recaps of some of my favorite FitBloggin’ bloggers and am looking forward to trying their workouts and recipes. I am hoping to share some of this with my own readers and share the love. I want to do more strength training and become a stronger person. I want to do more yoga and really become in-tune with my inner voice. Oh yeah, we’re going granola over here.

I am going to be working on myself from the inside out. Rather than just dying my hair a new color and buying some expensive boots.

Watch out world, here I come.

How do you handle the big changes in your life? Do you embrace change or fight it? Got any big changes in the works? I want to hear them! We’re in this together!

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12 Responses to Facing fears, moving on, and putting myself out there

  1. Pingback: Skillet Tuna Noodle Casserole: My first ever recipe post! | Am I There Yet?

  2. Jina says:

    Sorry you’re going through a rough time, but I love that you’re at the point that you know you’ll be OK. You will! You rock, and I have no doubt that you’ll continue to do so. :c)

    I totally understand the fear about not knowing what you’re doing and relying on someone else to handle it. I was totally reliant on a guy. It took our breakup for me to realize that I was capable of doing things on my own. Sad, but true. It was SO painful at first, but I eventually realized that it was definitely for the best. I came into my own after that.

  3. dcexplores says:

    I will say congratulations on the marathon! I live in Chicago myself and was actually out there cheering on friends so I know I missed you but it’s great that you did it. I told some friends that maybe I could make running a marathon a goal of mine before I turn 35. I’m trying to convince my boyfriend to start training with me for that…we’ll see!

  4. Rose says:

    I am sorry you’ve gone through such a challenging and emotional time. But by the tone of this post, it appears you are ready to come out the other side an even stronger person.

  5. Angie says:

    I am sorry about the breakup but you will definitely be okay. You know, I was reading this post and it was like I was reading my own. Like you, how do you announce that on your blog, you know? But like you running has been my coping mechanism. My boss was murdered right in front of me this June, and I had (still do) a hard time with it, and I lost myself in running; I ran my heart out. Then because of that incident, I reconnected (not in the biblical sense) with my ex, and he was there for mer as I healed from the incident in June. We came to depend on each other as he was getting ready to marry someone else. Yeah! Talk about a double-whammie! It was hard because he was a good friend, but I know the friendship has changed. So, guess what? I kept my running going. But you know what? We will both BE OKAY! 🙂

    • Julie @ Am I There Yet says:

      Angie, thanks so much for sharing your story. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot this year! I’ve been in the situation before where I’ve become friends with an ex and they were seeing someone else, sucks doesn’t bad! I am glad you are finding some relief in running, you and I both. And yes, WE will be ok!

  6. Jen @ Why CLE? says:

    Aw, girl! I’m so sorry you’ve been going through a rough time. But you’ve put it all in wonderful perspective and you’re right, you’re going to be OK!
    Hang in there and if you ever need a glass of wine and some girl talk, just let me know!

  7. KTOinCLE says:

    Oh Julie, this is such a wonderful post. You’ve really put your challenges into perspective, it’s inspiring!
    I think I always outwardly embrace big changes in my life and then once they happen I think to myself “Oh crap, why did I do this? Was I ready for this?”
    Thank you for being so refreshing, I love reading your blog!!!

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